It's human nature. We want to know why things happen. We may never know why this happened to me at this time in my life-- especially with everything else we have going on. At this point, even knowing why doesn't make it hurt any less.
Another question occurred to me last weekend; If God knew this baby wouldn't survive, why did He go to all the trouble to make me aware of the pregnancy in the first place?
I actually have an answer for that one. He values human life. Our lives, this baby's life-- all a vapor to Him. Important, but just a vapor- a mist, in the scope of eternity.
James 4: 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.
There was only one decision to make on the day my surgery was scheduled. Even if I had known the exact moment of the miscarriage and the pain it would cause I would have made the same decision.
Today it was confirmed by ultrasound that I am no longer pregnant. So it was a tough day. Today a few friends blessed me with kindness. So they managed to make a tough day a little sweeter. I'm sure I'm going to be feeling like I have multiple personalities in the coming days. I know that's normal. One minute, it feels like I must have dreamt the whole thing, the next minute the reality crashes in really hard. A dear friend reminded me not to suppress the grief with all the busy-ness of the move. Great advice. I'm trying to remember that.
I am a blessed mom of 5 wonderful kids. All of them know Jesus and they make good choices. I love my kids and I love being a mom. That's makes all this easier to accept, but it also makes it more difficult. More difficult because I really realize what I lost. OK, enough of that!
Many many scripture verses come to mind, but I will leave you with two that I am clinging to right now;
Psalm 34:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Proverbs 17:22 A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
I can be joyful because my joy doesn't rely on outward circumstances. My joy comes from knowing exactly to whom I belong. I'm God's child.
From now on, I'll be at the Card Castle, my regular blog. Come visit me often.