Monday, April 16, 2007

Why did this happen???

It's human nature. We want to know why things happen. We may never know why this happened to me at this time in my life-- especially with everything else we have going on. At this point, even knowing why doesn't make it hurt any less.
Another question occurred to me last weekend; If God knew this baby wouldn't survive, why did He go to all the trouble to make me aware of the pregnancy in the first place?
I actually have an answer for that one. He values human life. Our lives, this baby's life-- all a vapor to Him. Important, but just a vapor- a mist, in the scope of eternity.
James 4: 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.
There was only one decision to make on the day my surgery was scheduled. Even if I had known the exact moment of the miscarriage and the pain it would cause I would have made the same decision.

Today it was confirmed by ultrasound that I am no longer pregnant. So it was a tough day. Today a few friends blessed me with kindness. So they managed to make a tough day a little sweeter. I'm sure I'm going to be feeling like I have multiple personalities in the coming days. I know that's normal. One minute, it feels like I must have dreamt the whole thing, the next minute the reality crashes in really hard. A dear friend reminded me not to suppress the grief with all the busy-ness of the move. Great advice. I'm trying to remember that.

I am a blessed mom of 5 wonderful kids. All of them know Jesus and they make good choices. I love my kids and I love being a mom. That's makes all this easier to accept, but it also makes it more difficult. More difficult because I really realize what I lost. OK, enough of that!

Many many scripture verses come to mind, but I will leave you with two that I am clinging to right now;
Psalm 34:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Proverbs 17:22 A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

I can be joyful because my joy doesn't rely on outward circumstances. My joy comes from knowing exactly to whom I belong. I'm God's child.

From now on, I'll be at the Card Castle, my regular blog. Come visit me often.


Sharon in NE said...

Dear Lord,
Please help Jacki in this time of loss and overwhelming grief. We don't understand why her life is filled with this pain and heartache. But keep her eyes turned to you as she looks for the strength to trust in your faithfulness. Give her patience to wait on you and not despair; to quietly wait for your salvation. Her heart is crushed, but we know that you have not abandoned her. Please show her your compassion, Lord. Help her through the pain. Thank you for your promise in your Word to send me fresh mercy each day. Though it's hard for her to see past today, help her to trust that your great love will never fail her.

Sharon in NE said...

It is so frustrating to undergo such turmoil, physically, emotionally, financially, let's face it, it's a terrible roller coaster ride with a lousy ending. I know. I've been on it. But my rides, which occurred 20 years ago, have had sufficient time for me to see what amazing things have come about because of the miscarriages. My husband's heart became so tender and he spent years supporting and then being the chapter president of the local Right to Life. I eventually gave birth to a daughter who is in pre-med. She strongly feels led by the Lord to work with problem pregnancies and/or premie babies. My son, age 16, also wants to go into the medical field specializing in children. My point is, this horrible event in your life may be a MAJOR milestone in your children's lives in which God is speaking to THEM.

By all means, you must grieve and not force yourself to feel better just because someone says "its all for the best" because it DOES hurt. God made your body to want that child and when you lose it, everything within you aches. Grieve, but know too, you'll heal and you'll someday see what blessings God has for you.

Plogger said...

I'm sorry that this happened to you. I too am struggling through a rough patch though I am currently in my first trimester and not sure if this pregnancy is going to stick. As I write, I am experiencing 'bleeding' though today's ultrasound confirmed that the fetus is still present, there is still no heartbeat yet and the bleeding and cramping continues...

Jacki Marie said...

Sharon! thanks so much for your encouragement and prayer!

Sharon in NE said...

You'll just have to stay in touch with me so I can find out what great things God will do with this tragedy.

If you lose my prob...look me up in heaven...I'll be the one with the waterpark ; )

Jacki Marie said...

Plogger, I don't know if you got my email or not, but I'm praying for you and your baby also...

Deb K said...

I praise God for your testimony to His grace during this difficult time. You are an amazing woman! I will be praying for you. Your friend, Deb Kruis

Tamara said...

I'm so sorry, Jacki. I've been down that road 3 times myself and it just hurts so much. I am praying that the Lord Himself would be your comfort and peace and that you would feel His hands around you.

I tried to meditate on Psalm 84 (specifically verse 10) - my children are safe in His arms and all of their days will be spent rejoicing in the courts of their Father.

You are in our family's prayers, sister. Shalom, Tamara